To Be or Not to Be

My first task, for this new day on the trail, was something other than that which I my linear thinking mind had decided it should be.  I checked my email and I had received a question via a message that came to me via Meetup.com. This individual is not a member of my Evolving Consciousness meet up group but he posed a question to me that I found to be fascinating.  What fascinated me most was that the opinion I first thought I had when I began writing the response, was not the opinion I ended up having.  I suppose this is the magic and nature of writing something down.  As I wrote I felt like I was going into some part of me that had not yet been “tapped” and out came the truth.  Amazing.

The individual’s  question was:  What are your thoughts on suicide from your education and work with people?  What an intriguing question.  The individual was clear it was a topic for discussion not based on a morbid curiosity but a genuine interest  from a consciousness stand point.  I love this kind of thing.  Here’s how I responded:

Please remember as you consider the following that this is just my opinion and it’s worth is rooted in my personal and work life experiences and that all of us have to read and feel and experience things in our lives in order to  decide how we each feel about them.  This is just my opinion.

First, there are those who talk about suicide and threaten to do it.   These people probably won’t (emphasis on probably)  do it because what they are really doing is trying to get help and attention but they don’t know how to do that.  And, it really is attention they are seeking from self to self.

Second, those that actually do it and have never spoken about it are generally already on the “other side” and it is nothing for them to end the body’s ability to function.  I have read and seen that most often these people are not crying or sad that they are ending their life.  They are already gone in their mind, heart and soul and it’s the next natural step to end the beating of their heart.  Their negative belief systems have so taken over they aren’t who they wanted to be when they first made the choice to be here on the earth.

Overall because I have personally experienced the “non-ending” nature of our soul/spirit or energy that is the truth of us at the deepest level, I do in fact,  have an opinion about the choice of suicide.  Since at the atomic level we are more energy than matter, I can see that even hard science is inching its way toward an understanding that we never really die, we just change form.  Even Einstein at the end of his career and life admitted after studying physics for 40 years that we are more energy than matter and that it really is a simple thing to change our form from the energetic standpoint.  Many other physicists after long careers of study realize that the energy of creation–a source of it from whence our un-ending spirit/souls come–really does exist but we will never “see” it with our physical eyes.  Then suddenly the line between science and the need to prove the process or existence of something becomes blurred with faith and the “soft” science of e-emotion– “energy in motion”. Because I believe we never die because our energy lives regardless of having a vehicle–the body– to drive around the planet, I believe the whole subject hinges on the issue of choice.

The question I continue to ask is, Is someone who is able to end their life really at choice?  If they are then I believe they have the right to make that choice.  We should always have a choice and we often feel we don’t.  On the other hand if they aren’t at choice then how did they get that way?  What belief systems caused them to be in a situation that they would give up on all the work it took to get them into a body into this world?  I think that most people are seldom aware of what it takes a fetus to survive in the womb.  I think that we have lost our ability to accept things and “know” things from an instinctual level which leads us into a place of disbelief and pain about how to create what we want while in this life.  We become attached to belief systems of deprivation and pain and are often a martyr for such things when most people agree the point in life, and this comes from the wisdom of  many ancient texts, is to enjoy it, play and have fun whether you are earning a living or just being with friends.  If you aren’t really happy with each coming day, something needs to change, and in my experience, the change must first come from within you.

By way of example:  Ending a marriage in and of itself cannot solve the emotional pain you are in.  The relationship that is the marriage is merely a learning environment within which the other person becomes a mirror for the deeper and darker weaknesses within us.  When we think the other person is causing us pain it is really just a reflection of something within us that needs changing.  The marriage may not necessarily be the “problem”.  It could be but first a deeper look into ourselves must happen first before that can be determined at truth. This is why counseling is always recommended before ending a marriage and why so often one divorce just leads to another broken marriage in serial.  So the real issue is one of deeper self knowledge.
I have found that people who, like myself, become terminally ill, are in a sense committing suicide but in a much slower and more painful way.  I am no longer terminally ill and because of my journey back to life I have had to deal with and upend all the patterns of beliefs that caused me to slowly give up on my life and create a disease within my body.  I did not because I could not use the quick fix conventional medicine, though I didn’t know why as I was moving through it.  It is only in the past year as I have begun to write down my experience of this journey back to life that I’ve realized that it was to learn about choice and how powerful it is.

Some say that if you end your life prematurely that when you realize what you’ve done once you no longer have a body and are back in the sea of energy within the universe, that you reassess and decide when to come back in a new body and you make the stakes even higher.  In other words your life will be more difficult because you gave up too quickly on the last one.  I don’t know if I believe that because that seems to smack of a belief in self-punishment for ending your life and I don’t know where that idea comes from and I don’t think that is truth.

I have decided that I plan to continue to face my deepest and darkest truths and upend them so that I can continue to maintain the health of this body I worked so hard to get.  It is a good body, a sturdy body and I respect it now in ways I never thought I could.

So having given thought to my own death at least two times in the past twenty years and now living a life more at choice, I would say that what I was really going through was an uprising of the potential energy for change.  When I was contemplating my own death what I was really saying to myself  was I needed a transition or a “death” to the life I was living because it wasn’t working.  Instead of taking my life through a dramatic exit via hanging or some other drama, I chose a more acceptable route:  illness.  Illness is attention seeking behavior whether we are talking about children or adults.  Truthfully, we are all children in adult bodies. So our adult illnesses are really just our childhood needs coming up later if illness was unacceptable when we were children and couldn’t be ill then.  Except now, we are trying to get our deeper selves attention to make changes.  So, having learned that my power animal from an American Indian belief system is the lion, I have and continue to renew my ability to have the courage to really face myself and my weaknesses and learn what they are telling me and how I can turn them into strengths.
I don’t think that suicide, whether from some quick means or via a disease is a solution.  I believe that because we never die that we still have those same problems that we couldn’t face while in the body and died from even when we don’t have body.  In other words,  there really is no way out.  We deal with it now or later but we do, in fact, eventually deal with what ever it is we are refusing to deal with.  It seems like a harsh way to look at existence but did you ever watch animals in the wild?  Is their existence warm and fuzzy?  Heck no.  Theirs is about survival but ours needs to be more about thriving and that’s where the whole pain cycle begins for most people– how do we get happy and not just survive?  We are capable of higher level processing than animals and therefore we have higher level problem solving too.

Finally I would like to say that I didn’t just come to these opinions and have the life experience I’ve had without help.  I found a system, the one I talk about at my meetings, that once learned, can be a tool for seeing like a crystal ball into the depths of our life.  The system has a unique way of upending deeply held neural pathway and cellular memory and re-routing them so that making new choices more in alignment with thriving can be done without so much effort.  If anything has saved my life and continues to help me see the next level of my flaws, this system has.

You might think that digging up our flaws would be an awful process.  On the contrary.  While humbling, it is simultaneously freeing.  The best part is it makes us realize how much we are all so connected and so much at one.  What a gift to behold.  I wonder if those who are contemplating suicide as I once did are really just afraid of their deeper selves.  I know I was and I’m so incredibly happy that I’m still here to find yet one more of my flaws that I can change into a strength.